Saturday, May 29, 2010

Kick Ass - Bazooka Blast

Kick-Ass is based on the comic book of the same name, but does it do it any justice? The answer is no, but don't let that ruin a violent and entertaining film like Kick-Ass. Unfortunately, the movie changed the meaning of the comic and erased the whole message that it originally put forth. The point of the book was that real life doesn’t work like comics. Big Daddy was just a crazy comic-book collector who brainwashed his child, he was supposed to be the ultimate bad example of what our hero's kind of thinking leads to. The film gives us a happy ending, but in the comic Dave doesn't get the girl, his lies and manipulation actually blow up in his face. Sometimes though, change can be good....and satisfying, for example the entertaining death of Frank D'Amico, the film's main antagonist. As our villain is about to shoot an overwhelmed Hit-Girl, he is prevented when Kick-Ass, in the nick of time, shoots him with a bazooka shell at 10-foot range and blows him through a skyscraper window and across a city block of sky before he explodes in mid-air.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Wolfman - Out of Bullets

The Wolfman is a remake of the 1941 classic horror film, it stars Benicio Del Toro-in the role made famous by Lon Chaney Jr.-as an exiled British nobleman who turns into a murderous monster at the sight of a full moon. Plenty of entertaining and bloody deaths scenes make up for it's lack of imagination and moments of bad CGI. The best part comes when the wolfman chases after one of his attackers through the woods. The victim turns and fires his revolver as he's running away in a desperate attempt to kill the monster, but the man unknowingly falls chest-deep into a marsh and gets stuck. As the wolfman comes barreling towards him, he fires, but it barely slows the beast down. Once he realizes he's not going to win, he turns the gun on himself and pulls the trigger. -click- OUT OF BULLETS

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Creepshow 2 - Oil Spill of Doom

--BP really fucked up this time

Creepshow 2 is a 1987 horror anthology film based upon stories by Stephen King and scripted by George A. Romero. The second tale, called The Raft, is the story of four college kids who take a trip to a desolate lake for some fun. The characters are your basic stereotypical horror movie victims: Jock, nerd, slut, and shy girl. After they swim out to the raft in the middle of the lake, a mysterious oil slick-like creature appears in the water beneath them. The jock ridicules the nerd's suspicions that the "oil slick" was chasing the girls, refusing to take the situation seriously until the shy girl touches it. The creature instantly wraps around her arm, pulling her into itself and gradually dissolving her, ruining a perfectly good joint......

After the initial panic, the jock decides he could make a swim to the shore, but as he prepares to jump into the lake, the creature grabs him by his foot through the cracks of the raft. Unable to free his friend, the nerd watches the jock get slowly pulled through the raft by the creature.........

Now unwilling to risk swimming for shore, the nerd and slut spend the entire night on the raft. The nerd is the first to wake up in the morning, relieved to find that they've made it through the night. But hormones get the best nerdboy as he decides to fondle her breasts while she is sleeping. He's so enthralled with her cleavage that he doesn't even notice that he accidentally laid her face down on one of the cracks. Our lovely slut wakes up to find her face covered in burning goo as the oil-like blob pulls her off the raft and begins consuming her......

Well, the nerd says "fuck this" and decides to jump off the raft and make a swim for it while the blob is still digesting our promiscuous victim. He actually makes it to shore just before the blob reaches him. Crawling a few feet from the water's edge in apparent safety, he yells "I beat you!" But the creature rises up from the water like a wave and engulfs him. As the creature quietly returns to the lake, the screen pans over to a hidden no-swimming sign near the now-abandoned vehicle.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Dead and Buried - Needle in the Eye

If you're an old school horror fan, Dead and Buried is a must watch. You could categorize Gary Sherman's horror masterpiece as a "small town with a secret" film or just simply a "zombie" movie. Either way, Dead and Buried is a classic that has largely been ignored and forgotten by horror fans.

Plenty of great kills, but the most brutal death in the movie is a two-parter. In the opening scene our victim is minding his own business until he is seduced by a beautiful, mysterious girl on the beach. Just as he thinks he's about to get lucky, a handful of townsfolk savagely beat and burn him alive.

But it ain't over yet, the poor bastard survives! As our burn victim rests peacefully in the hospital with a full body cast, he gets a visit by a familiar face. The same mysterious girl from the beach, now disguised as a nurse, has come to finish what she started with a giant hypodermic needle, Lucio Fulci style! Thank you Stan Winston.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Cobra - Off the Hook

It isn't politically correct, it's unrealistic, and sometimes just downright ridiculous. And you know what? It's the perfect 80's action film. It wets the appetite of those who crave a juicy manburger over the salad. A violent, explosive, and entertaining film, Cobra is pure 80's action. From Sly's comical one-liners to the deliciously clich├ęd storyline, Cobra is one of Stallone's most underrated films. If you caught the heavily cut version on TBS(that is not the way to watch an 80's action film), you might have missed one of the best kills in the movie. Cobra and Night Slasher, played by the always awesome Brian Thompson, engage in deadly hand-to-knife combat inside a steel mill. After going back and forth a while, Sly manages to judo chop Night Slasher into a daze. This gives him enough time to impale the Slasher onto a large metal hook. The hook leads our screaming antagonist into a blast furnace where he is burned alive as Cobra watches on with a look of remorse.

"This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!"

dat jaw

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

28 Weeks Later - Doyle's Sacrifice

After escaping the firebombing of District One, our characters break into an abandoned car to escape the chemical gas released to kill the infected. Doyle(Jeremy Renner)gets out to attempt push-starting the vehicle as soldiers armed with flamethrowers get closer. The engine finally starts as Doyle is engulfed by a large ball of flame. The children get a close-up view of Doyle burning to death and collapsing to the ground as they drive away. A brutal but necessary demise for one of the best characters in the film. Doyle sacrificed himself in order to get the others to safety. His death also gives the story an extra boost as it leaves the kids without a strong male character to lead them the rest of the way. A very underrated "fast-moving zombie" movie(they're actually biologically infected people), 28 Weeks Later is entertaining from the thrilling and suspenseful opening scene to the last haunting image.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Tales From the Hood - Human Origami

One of the single most underrated horror anthology films ever, Tales From the Hood is simply more than just a "black" Tales from the Crypt. Produced by Spike Lee, Tales From the Hood is a collection of 4 short stories filled with tons of social commentary and political undertones, but with a ghetto twist. In the segment Boys Do Get Bruised, little Walter is terrorized by a monster in his house. Cue the metaphor for his abusive evil stepfather Carl, played by the surprisingly good David Alan Grier. Thinking that Walter has told his teacher about him, Carl starts beating Walter and his mom. Walter believes that if you draw the monster and destroy the drawing, it will rid of the monster. Walter grabs a drawing he made of the monster and begins to fold it. Carl's arm bends backwards, corresponding to the fold Walter made on the drawing. Walter then twists and crumples the paper up, leaving Carl mangled and helpless. His closing line is priceless: "This shit ain't over yet, bitch!" His wife then steps on the wadded-up paper, crushing him, before Walter sets it on fire.

"Ah yes...the shit"